Shock

There I sat, frozen in time, and speechless. People were moving, time kept on ticking, yet inside I was screaming, my father has one month to live! Don’t you understand?! Oh wait, you don’t care. You don’t know him. I guess I’ll continue  on with my business then. How am I? I am just super. In reality, I don’t think you want to open this can of worms so I’m going to say I’m fine. I am in shock, but I’ll survive. Why?  Because there  is nothing else I can do. This my friends, is what makes me invincible. Granted, the pain is unbearable, but with this pain I know I will build an armor that cannot be touched.

It  amazes me how we all react so  differently in times of tragedy and crisis. I remember my friend losing her father back in high school  and all I could  think was, what in the world can I do or say to help her?  Now that I see things from this side of the fence,  I realize all I really needed to do was tell her I was there for her.  As women,  I believe it is in our nature to want to fix all of the world’s problems. When problems become too overhwelming for us, we become perplexed and frustrated.  Sometimes we just need to realize that simply being there is enough.

As we all handle grief differently, I would like to take a moment to tell you all the way I operate. I am not the  person who is going to ask for help. I will never tell  you I need you. I  have moments when solitude is completely refreshing, and I have moments when the silence eats away at my eardrums.  I guess  you would need to check in on me to be aware of the psychological progress at any given moment, because it is quite spectacular.  Denial, anger, sadness, hurt, elation…it’s just one giant bipolar cocktail!  Sometimes I want to go out and drink and forget about it all. Sometimes I’d rather just deal with it, because I know I’ll have to eventually. Besides that, I could be out doing something and have my mind be completely elsewhere anyhow. It sucks to be doing something so fun, yet not be able to even lose yourself in the moment because you are fixated on other thoughts.  Maybe hitting some golf balls would help, or possibly shredding up some pillows?  The people who ask me if  there is anything  they can do for me are the people I will NEVER forget right now.

I know there are others who have gone through this before, and I feel fortunate that this is the first time in my life I have had to  deal with loss, but did it have to be a disease that is basically the most torturing thing I’ve had to witness?  A disease that cripples you in every way possible,  yet allows your brain to be completely functional so you know how much agony you are in.  I possess an extremely high level of empathy, and  am a bit like a  sponge, yet I still can’t imagine what my father must be going through.  I would be so tired of drinking damn Ensure by now! Can’t you throw some pizza  in a blender or something?!

If there is anything to be learned from this, it is that we should never take for granted the people we have in our life. Always find a way to appreciate the people in your life  who deserve it, and be thankful that you have clean running water, delicious food, and a shelter over your head.  Be thankful you can even breathe!

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Rachel
    Aug 27, 2010 @ 01:04:14

    Your father left us all with the greatest gift- a reminder to live our life and to really live it. No going through the motions; no putting off things until tomorrow. Now is our moment to capture. Live is too short and tomorrows are for fools.

    Reply

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